Dr G's joke du jour

[vwgary]

Q. What is the difference between a hormone and an enzyme?


















A. You can't hear an enzyme

[mombug]

Someone is feeling frisky today!

Q. What do you call a brunette between two blonds?














A. An interpreter

[mombug]

O.k., I can hear the groans all the way down south...
if you've got a better one please post it - I love to laugh!
(good idea to start this Gary)

[Scarab 1]

A lady walks into a clubhouse after a round of golf and orders a drink at the bar. The guy next to her asked her how her round was.
She turned to the guy and said, "I did pretty well except I got stung by a bee between the first and second hole!"

Guy turns back to her and says....























"Might want to close your stance a little"

[vwgary]

Originally Posted by Scarab 1

A lady walks into a clubhouse after a round of golf and orders a drink at the bar. The guy next to her asked her how her round was.
She turned to the guy and said, "I did pretty well except I got stung by a bee between the first and second hole!"

Guy turns back to her and says....























"Might want to close your stance a little"

HAHAHHAAAAAAA

[vwgary]

Originally Posted by mombug

Someone is feeling frisky today!

Q. Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?






























A. So brunettes can remember them

[vwgary]

A blonde was out for a walk when she comes upon a river crossing her path. Just then she notices another blonde on the other side. So she goes woohoo, how do I get to the other side?
The other blonde looks up then down the river and replies, you are on the other side.

[mombug]

WARNING: If you don't enjoy 'shaggy dog stories' skip this as it is long.


Subject: STOLEN

You've heard about people who have been abducted and had their kidneys removed by black-market organ thieves.

My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years
ago. I went to sleep and woke up with someone else's thighs. It was just that quick.
The replacements had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Whose
thighs were these and what happened to mine?
I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs. Finally,
hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans.
And then the thieves struck again.
My butt was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they
took pains to match my new rear-end to the thighs they had stuck me with earlier.
But my new butt was attached at least three inches lower
than my original! I realized I'd have to give up my jeans in
favor of long skirts.

Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One
morning I was fixing my hair and was horrified to see the flesh of my upper arm swing to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary - my body
Was being replaced one section at a time. What could they
do to me next?

When my poor neck suddenly disappeared and was replaced
with a turkey neck, I decided to tell my story. Women of the world, wake up and smell the coffee! Those 'plastic' surgeons are using REAL replacement body parts -stolen from you and me! The next time someone you know has something 'lifted', look again - was it lifted from you?

THIS IS NOT A HOAX. This is happening to women everywhere
every night.

WARN YOUR FRIENDS!

P. S. Last year I thought someone had stolen my boobs. I
was lying in bed and they were gone! But when I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I keep them hidden in my waistband.

[vwgary]

Originally Posted by mombug

P. S. Last year I thought someone had stolen my boobs. I
was lying in bed and they were gone! But when I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I keep them hidden in my waistband.

[mombug]

WARNING: Political correctness does not apply

Two Radical Arab Terrorists boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.
Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Marine kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a coke.'
'Don't get up,' said the Marine, 'I'm in the aisle seat, I'll get it for you.'
As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marine's shoe and spat in it.
When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good, I'd really like one, too.'
Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marine's other shoe and spat in it.
When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
'Why does it have to be this way?' he asked. 'How long must this go on?
This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?'
THE FEW // THE PROUD // THE MARINES

To those of you who are serving in the military or have loved ones serving - THANK YOU!!!!! mombug

[vwgary]

A Woman's Ultimate Fantasy...

In a recent On-line poll 38,562 men across the UK were asked to identify a woman's ultimate fantasy. 98.8% of the respondents said that a woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once.

While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.

[vwgary]

A man asked his wife, "What would you most like for your birthday?"
She said, "I'd love to be ten again."

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park, the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. Everything there was, she had a go.

She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Into McDonald's they went, where she was given a Double Big Mac with extra fries and a strawberry shake. Then off to a movie theater, more burgers, popcorn, cola and sweets. At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.

Her husband leaned over and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?"

One eye opened and she groaned, "Actually I meant dress size."

[vwgary]

A man wakes up in a hospital bed after a terrible accident and cries - "DOC, DOC...I can't feel my legs, I can't feel my legs!!!














"Well of course you can't silly!", replies the Doc... "I've cut off both of your arms."

[vwgary]

Driving to the office this morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Mustang doing 65 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!

I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup!!! It scared me (I'm a man) so bad, I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car usingmy knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL!

WOMEN DRIVERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[mombug]

LMAO Gary!


A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over... As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness. When to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter. Sees her and unplugs the horse.

[vwgary]

Originally Posted by mombug

LMAO Gary!


A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over... As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness. When to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter. Sees her and unplugs the horse.

LMAO X2

[chiltepin]

Originally Posted by vwgary

Driving to the office this morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Mustang doing 65 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!

I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup!!! It scared me (I'm a man) so bad, I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car usingmy knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL!

WOMEN DRIVERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Like this one!

[mombug]

The Lion, the Biker, & The NY Times


A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
A New York Times reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the biker says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life.'
The biker replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right."
The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist from the New York Times, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?''
The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.'
The journalist leaves.
The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on front page:

U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH

[mombug]

A blonde was driving home one night when she suddenly found herself in the middle of a bad hail storm. The hailstones were the size of golf balls. Her car was dented beyond description.

The next day, she took it to a repair shop. Noticing that she was blonde, the technician decided to have some fun.

He told her to take the car home and blow real hard into the tailpipe and the dents would pop out.

When she got home, she started blowing into the tailpipe as she was instructed. At that moment, her blonde girlfriend drove by and saw her puffing on the tailpipe.

Thinking the worst, the friend was startled and said, "What are you doing?"

She said that the man at the body shop told her to blow into the tail pipe real hard and the dents would pop out.

Her girlfriend said, "Well, duhhhhhh! You need to roll up the windows first!"

[vwgary]

20. The cucumber has left the salad.
19. I can see the gun of Navarone.
18. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
17. You've got Windows on your laptop.
16. Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
15. Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
13. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
12. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
11. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
10. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
9. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
8. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
7. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
6. Dr. Kimble has escaped!
5. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...
3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
1. I thought you were crazy, now I can clearly see your nuts.