Jokes for Musicians

[jdesigns]

Jokes for Musicians

The definition of Perfect Pitch:
Throwing a banjo in the toilet and not hitting the rim.

Q. What's the difference between an onion and an accordion?
A. No one cries when you chop up an accordion!

The definition of a gentleman: He can play the Banjo, but chooses not to.

Q: How many female singers does it take to sing "Crazy?"
A: All of them!

Q: What's the last thing a drummer says in a band?
A: Hey guys, let's do one of my songs.

Q: How can you tell when your guitar player is trying to get into the studio?
A: He's late and he's got the wrong Key.

Q: What do you call the guy surrounded by musicians?
A: The drummer! The true definition of an optimist is an accordionist who carries a pager!

Q: What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians?
A: A drummer.

Q: Why does the guitarist leave his case on the dashboard?
A: So he can park in the handicapped spot.

Q: Why do drummers join bands?
A: They like to hang out with musicians.

Q: What did the drummer get on his SAT test?
A. Drool.

Q. What's the difference between an accordion and a lawn mower?
A. If you put both of them on the Home Shopping Network, you could sell the lawn mower.

Q. How can you tell if the stage is level?
A. Drool comes out of both sides of the drummer's mouth.

Q. What do you throw to a drowning guitar player?
A. His amp.

Q. What's the best way to play a banjo?
A. With a hack saw.

Q. Why don't bass players ever catch a cold?
A. Even a virus has some pride.

Q. How can you tell a drummer is walking behind you?
A. You can hear his knuckles dragging on the ground.

Q. How can you tell a drummer in a crowd at your front door?
A. He's the one wearing the Domino's pizza hat.

Q. What did the bass player say on his first job?
A. Would you like fries with that coke?

Q. Why do bands need roadies?
A. To translate for the drummer.

Q. How many singers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. One, he just holds onto the bulb and the world revolves around him.

Q. How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Seven - one to hold the bulb and six to drink until the room spins.

Q. How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. One - as long as the roadie gets the ladder, sets it up and puts the bulb in the socket.

Q. What's the difference between a musician and a US savings bond?
A. One of them eventually matures and earns money.

Q. Who is the patron Saint of the accordion?
A. Our lady of Spain.

Q. Did you hear about the bass player who locked his keys in the car?
A. It took an hour to get the drummer out.

Q. What has 8 teeth and forty feet?
A. The front row of a blue grass concert.

Q. How do you get a guitar player to turn down?
A. Put a chart in front of him.

Q. What do you call a guitar player without a girlfriend?
A. Homeless.

Q. What's the difference between a bass player and a toilet?
A. A toilet only has to take crap from one ass hole at a time.

Q. How can you tell when a singer's at your door?
A. You open the door and he still doesn't know when to come in.

Q. What's the difference between a snake and a trombone player?
A. Chances are, the snake is going to a gig.

Q. What's the difference between the owner of a night club and the PLO?
A. You can negotiate with the PLO.

Q. What's the range of a tuba?
A. 20 yards, if you have a good arm.

Q. What's the difference between a drummer and a puppy?
A. The puppy will stop whining after a couple of months.

Q. What does a drum solo and premature ejaculation have in common?
A. You know it's coming and there is nothing you can do about it.

Q. Why do drummers have a half ounce more brain than a horse?
A. So they don't disgrace themselves in a parade.

Q. What's the difference between a Oboe and a Bassoon?
A. The Bassoon will burn longer.

Q. How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?
A. The bow is moving.

Q. Why is a drummer like a skud missile?
A. Both are offensive and inaccurate.

Q. What do you call a drummer with half a brain?
A. Gifted

Q. What's the difference between a Cello and a Coffin?
A. The coffin has the corpse on the inside.

Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A. To get away from the noise.

Q. What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common?
A. When you plug them in they both suck.

Q. What's black and brown and looks good on a guitar player?
A. A Doberman.

Q. How do you get two violins to play in perfect unison?
A. Shoot one.

Q. How can you pick out a trombonists' kids on the playground?
A. They're always complaining that the slide doesn't work right....and they NEVER swing!

Q: What do you call 100 accordionists at the bottom of the ocean?
A. A good start.

Q. What's the difference between an Uzi and an accordion?
A. The Uzi stops after 20 rounds.

Q. What's an accordion good for?
A. Learning how to fold maps.

Q. What do you say to a banjo player in a three-piece suit?
A. Will the defendant please rise.

Q. What's the difference between a bass and a trampoline?
A. You take off your shoes to jump on the trampoline.

Q. What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
A. There is no difference. The violin just looks smaller because the violinist's head is so much bigger.

Q. What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
A. A fiddle is fun to listen to.

Q. Why are viola jokes so short?
A. So violinists can understand them.

Q. How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None; the piano player can do that with his left hand.

Q. How do you make a double bass sound in tune?
A. Chop it up and make it into a xylophone.

Q. What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A. A flat minor.

Q. How many soundmen (engineers) does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. None. We don't do stinkin lights.

Q. How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. 23. Two to hold the ladder, one to climb the ladder and screw it in, and the rest on the guest list.

Q. How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. 23. Two to hold the ladder, one to climb the ladder and screw it in, and the rest sitting there with their arms folded and thinking they could do it better.

Q. What does a German Hammond organist do in his life's most tender moments?
A. He puts his Leslie on "slow". Heard backstage: "Will the musicians and the drummer please come to the stage!"

Q. What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
A. With a drum machine you only have to punch the information in once.

Q. How do you tell if a bass player is actually dead?
A. Hold out a check (but don't be fooled: a slight, residual spasmodic clutching action may occur even hours after death has occurred).

There's nothing I like better than the sound of a banjo, unless of course it's the sound of a chicken caught in a vacuum cleaner.

Q: What do you call two fretless bassists playing in unison?
A: A minor second

Q. What do you call a group of topless female accordion players?
A. Ladies in Pain.

[chiltepin]

Here are some more:

--What's the difference between a violist and a seamstress?
--The seamstress tucks up frills.

--How many banjo players does it take to change a lightbulb?
--Three; one to do the actual changing and two to complain, "That's not the way Earl would have done it!"

[miffmole]

A little long, but definitely worth the read:

The Bass

In the beginning there was a bass. It was a Fender, probably a Precision, but it could have been a Jazz – nobody knows. Anyway, it was very old ... definitely pre-C.B.S.


And God looked down upon it and saw that it was good. He saw that it was very good in fact, and couldn't be improved on at all (though men would later try.) And so He let it be and He created a man to play the bass. and lo the man looked upon the bass, which was a beautiful 'sunburst' red, and he loved it. He played upon the open E string and the note rang through the earth and reverberated throughout the firmaments (thus reverb came to be.) And it was good. And God heard that it was good and He smiled at his handiwork.


Then in the course of time, the man came to slap upon the bass. And lo it was funky. And God heard this funkiness and He said, "Go man, go." And it was good. And more time passed, and, having little else to do, the man came to practice upon the bass. And lo, the man came to have upon him a great set of chops. And he did play faster and faster until the notes rippled like a breeze through the heavens. And God heard this sound which sounded something like the wind, which He had created earlier. It also sounded something like the movement of furniture, which He hadn't even created yet, and He was not so pleased.

And He spoke to the man, saying "Don't do that!" Now the man heard the voice of God, but he was so excited about his new ability that he slapped upon the bass a blizzard of funky notes. And the heavens shook with the sound, and the Angels ran about in confusion. (Some of the Angels started to dance, but that's another story.) And God heard this - how could He miss it - and lo He became Bugged. And He spoke to the man, and He said, "Listen man, if I wanted Jimi Hendrix I would have created the guitar. Stick to the bass parts."

And the man heard the voice of God, and he knew not to mess with it. But now he had upon him a passion for playing fast and high. The man took the frets off of the bass which God had created. And the man did slide his fingers upon the fretless fingerboard and play melodies high upon’ the neck. And, in his excitement, the man did forget the commandment of the Lord, and he played a frenzy of high melodies and blindingly fast licks. And the heavens rocked with the assault and the earth shook, rattled and rolled.

Now God's wrath was great. And His voice was thunder as He spoke to the man. And He said, "O.K. for you, pal. You have not heeded My word. Lo, I shall create a soprano saxophone and it shall play higher than you can even think of." "And from out of the chaos I shall bring forth the drums. And they shall play so many notes thine head shall ache, and I shall make you to always stand next to the drummer."


"You think you're loud? I shall create a stack of Marshall guitar amps to make thine ears bleed. And I shall send down upon the earth other instruments, and lo, they shall all be able to play higher and faster than the bass." "And for all the days of man, your curse shall be this; that all the other musicians shall look to you, the bass player, for the low notes. And if you play too high or fast all the other musicians shall say "Wow" but really they shall hate it. And they shall tell you you're ready for your solo career, and find other bass players for their bands. And for all your days if you want to play your fancy licks you shall have to sneak them in like a thief in the night." "And if you finally do get to play a solo, everyone shall leave the bandstand and go to the bar for a drink."

And it was so.

Adam