Top 10 Things to Do During Nascar Off-SEASON

[PhoenixRising]

Top 10 Things to Do During Nascar Off-SEASON

So, another NASCAR season has taken the checkered flag, and you're already sitting around P.J. Jonesing for the start of next season? Well, worry not, race fan. Simply follow the advice from the following Top 10 list of Things to Do During NASCAR's Off-Season, and next season will be here before you know it.

Besides, isn't the "off-season" only like two weeks long anyway?

That's just long enough (we hope) for Tony Stewart to complete those long overdue anger-management classes.

Now that he's got another coveted title, this is the perfect time for him to consult his Inner Tony. Or, not.

Anyway, on to the list:

Get in car or truck (or RV with favorite driver's number painted on sides, front, back and top) and drive around neighborhood until fuel gauge nears the "E." When fuel light comes on, speak into two- way headset and tell spouse you're about to "pit" at the nearest gas station. Pull into station (make sure you remember which side the gas cap is on). Begin pit procedure. Time yourself. Deduct five seconds for any spilled gas. Remember to pay for fuel. This is important.

Refer to spouse as your "crew chief" and kids as your "pit crew." Suggest family practice a "total pit change" on your car or truck as a bonding experience, complete with tire changes and your favorite beverage choice jammed in through driver's window on the end of a stick. Try not to run over any "crew members" (especially "crew chief"). Also, to be authentic, get in and out of vehicle Duke boys style, via the driver's window.

Begin watching the conclusion of the NFL season. Pick out favorite players based on their number and corresponding driver number from NASCAR lineup. Pretend each player is a race car, and each time they hit each other is like one of those highlight-reel collisions. As in racing, root for the biggest crash without causing injuries.

Wear a fireproof racing suit every Sunday. Yes, even to church. Ask minister to pray for your safety in the "Big Race" back home to watch football. Prepare for retaliatory bump if you cut off church's organ player in the parking lot.

Remember, it's not a riding lawnmower converted into a snow- removal device. It's your very own recreational racing vehicle, able to reach a top speed of 25 MPH in less than 30 seconds if you coax it enough. That's 5 MPH faster than the neighbor's contraption, and that's just fast enough.

Spend some time thinking up derogatory nicknames for rival drivers of your favorite guy. Thus, Derrick Cope becomes "Derelict Cope," and Dale Jarrett becomes "Dale Jarhead," and Ken Schrader becomes "Ken Fader." Work on different enunciations for standard derogatory nicknames such as Jeff "@#!!$%*" Gordon.

Seek out sponsorship deal for your vehicle. Tell prospective sponsors for the right price you will refer to it for a whole NASCAR season as the "Combo's Pretzel Bites" car or the "Whole Grain Cheerios" van. Offer to get appropriate paint job. Use money from sponsorship to buy race tickets. Also, stock up on cheap beer, sunscreen and a new "fold-up" chair with favorite driver's number on the back.

Take an art class at your nearest community activity center. While others paint portraits of fruit, you paint "Driverscapes." One could be a slanted, block "3" overlapping Dale Earnhardt's face to honor the one and only -- and dearly departed -- Intimidator. Another could be Kurt Busch, holding a frosty brew, giving a thumb's up sign to an officer whose squad car is painted like Jeff Gordon's Dupont car.

Get a dog. Name him "Rusty" in honor of now-retired Rusty Wallace. Shave a "2" into the sides and top of his fur-covered body, for authenticity. Sometimes refer to him as Rusty the "Miller Lite/ Penske Racing Canine."

Keep race-viewing eyes in tip-top shape. Travel to casino and head over to roulette wheel. Keep playing favorite driver's numbers, and carefully watch the little white ball go round and round the track, er, wheel.

Don't lose all your loot. You'll need it for next season, which we're told starts in approximately 45 minutes.
(C) 2005 Post-Tribune. via ProQuest Information and Learning Company; All Rights Reserved