The Pun Files - give us your worst

[boblamb58]

Today it was reported that biologists crossbred an owl with a pirate-ship parrot.

It produced a bird that hoots from the ship.

[AmyJane]

Two American Football teams are on a tour of Europe and have a quiz to see which team can name most places in Holland. The game was won by a single Dutch Town.


A child was misbehaving by protesting loudly and rudely, waving boards with crazy slogans on it, while guests were visiting. He was punished for having mad banners.

He said he had grown strong from all his dancing, but no-one believed him.
It was obvious to all that he was bearing waltz fitness.



"Here's champagne to our real friends...
...and real pain to our sham friends"

[AmyJane]

I went to the hairdresser, and they did my hair so that it made me look much taller.... they put lie-heights in my hair.

A pig lived in a very run-down pig-house.
He looked up one night at the gaping holes in the roof, and said "Look at all the scars in the sty."

[boblamb58]

1. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
2. A hawk sat atop a church because it was a bird of pray.
3. Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
4. He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.
5. The two guys caught drinking battery acid will soon be charged.
6. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
7. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
8. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
9. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
10. On the shelf there are ten math books, five geography books, and the rest is history.

[dnyed]

This really happened to me....


At work one day, several years ago, while standing near the facsilile machine, my boss asked me, "What are you waiting for?"






"Just the fax, man. Just the fax."

[RealTater]

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?








If they flew over the bay they'd be bay gulls.





Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?






If it had 4 it'd be a chicken sedan.

[boblamb58]

It's been awhile, so here's another one:

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p. m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry", replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."