NB.Org official I am a depressed, been depressed or suffered depresion thread.

[Pulgamovil]

Well after reading the thread from Phoenix (t.j) I was very shocked to find out that some orgers have sufered depresion in the past, are/have been medicated etc etc.

My thesis deals with Christmas depresion, and basically one of the main things that interested me while studying my carreer was depresion.
yesterday I saw a rerun of "Ordinary people" the movie by R. Redford and I have seen it like 8 times and I remembered my concern about the suffering that depresion gives and sometimes its mistakenly taken for tons of maladies or simply excuses.

I remembered the thread and decided that Id start this one, because I know its a PITA that you are depresed and have to work or do something and you feel the weight of the world on your shoulders and on top of that everyones thinks you are a lazy SOB or just a drag.

I havent had a "clinical" or really bad depresion, but I have seen plenty of people suffer from it and how difficult is to survive in this world of political correctness, of very nice bodies, instant wealth and on top of that a cheerful personality...

Sometimes is very enlightening to hear that you are not alone, that most of us worry a lot and have the blues every now and then...

I know I am mildly depresed when I sleep too much and want to stay home...

[callisto9]

wow, do i dare go first? to me, it's not shocking that so many on here suffer from depression. i've lived with it for about 11 years, off and on, so it's very familiar to me and i know tons of people who've suffered with it. since i've always been open about my "condition" people seem comfortable talking to me about it. but in the presence of the average person. a person with depression it not likely so speak up about it. it's kind of like being in a group of people you don't know very well and just casually mentioning, "i was sexually abused as a child". people aren't likely to talk about unless there's reason to.

i've never been ashamed or embarassed about the condition itself. having a mental disorder, for the most part, is like having a disease like diabetes; many people are pre-disposed to it. i have both anxiety problems and depression and in my case, it's genetic. i have nothing in my past that would warrant having these kind of problems. a lot of people in my family have, or have had, one or the other, or both. it's very familiar to me; i've read books, been on all the meds you can imagine, been to therapy, group therapy, self-help, you name it. i still haven't found a "solution", but i am learning all the time. depression is very real and it's more than simply feeling blue or down or sad. it's much deeper than that. it's hard for someone who's never had it to truly understand the condition.

depression's a tough one though. it can be caused by so many things. situation, hormones, time of the year, amount of sunlight, genetic pre-disposition, etc. the list goes on. it's a hard one to deal with and most people's first response is to get on medication. medication can help a lot of people, but i never felt like it did much for me. i had more side-effects than benefits.

i'm always learning though. you know what's helped me the most? talking to others, the support of my friends and family, distracting myself from my thoughts of doom, realizing my limits and being ok with giving myself a break now and again. i think the more you learn about your condition, the better you are at dealing with it. but sometimes, the best thing you can do, as simple as this sounds, is to try and forget about it for awhile. sometimes, you can be your own worst enemy!

alright, anybody else?

[AmyJane]

Ohhh I'm not gonna get too far into it. But isn't it funny when your friends will say you're the happiest person they know when all you wish for is to be as happy as they are?
Depression sucks and sometimes you never know why you have it. There were times when I had no clue why I was so unhappy...I figured that I was so good at hiding it what was the big deal with crying when noone else was around? I continued to tell myself "Well, if my friends say and think I'm happy then I must be!"
Right now I'm going through a really rough period. Lots of change is going on and there is more to come and I've learned that I can't deal with it on my own. I've decided to get a little help with that and I'm doing better...without medication I might add. That wasnt so in the past which is something I'm quite proud of. Medication never seemed to work for me. Talking is my medication!

[callisto9]

Originally Posted by CyberGreenBaby

Right now I'm going through a really rough period. Lots of change is going on and there is more to come and I've learned that I can't deal with it on my own. I've decided to get a little help with that and I'm doing better...without medication I might add. That wasnt so in the past which is something I'm quite proud of. Medication never seemed to work for me. Talking is my medication!

hope you're doing OK amy. kudos to getting help and that's awesome you're doing it without meds. i was on meds for a number of years and they really didn't do anything for me. i am off the meds now and you know what? i am the SAME! what a waste of money!

talking is great therapy - i did it for a number of years.

[Pulgamovil]

One of the things I have learned that is very bad when you finally see the light of day, is that everyone tells you, or reminds you or lets you know that somehow you suffer depression and its "good" you are out if it (like if it was the flu).
That you are supposed to be happy, is like when you are in thre hospital and someone tells you "even to´you have cancer, you look so happy and cheerful today!" it sucks.... the lack of public awareness is a shame

[BlondieeAggiee]

Like the others, I've battled my mental illness for many years. I suffer from two diseases: generalized anxiety disorder and manic depression. The anxiety disorder is the "dominant" disease. I try to avoid things that I know will send me into a panic, like dentists, deep water, and large crowds. The manic depression comes in spurts, usually with drastic change. For example, when I graduated from college. I had a week of mania (extreme happiness) followed by two weeks of extreme depression, then two more days of mania and three weeks of depression.

I do take medications for my disease. I've tried going off it through the years, and I often do well without them for a couple of weeks. Then I'll hit a down phase, or something will trigger my anxiety, and I will cease to function as a member of society. I don't have to feel this way, and as long as the drugs help I will take them.

[hyakugojyuuichi]

I was suffering from depression earlier this year. I was diagnosed in January and have been on Zoloft ever since. While it has helped me tremendously I still have my bad days. I had been going through some tough times. I had people whom I thought were my friends turn around and stab me in the back, I rarely saw my mother(we are very close) because she is working in California, my dad had injured his arm and is unable to work anymore, and I was having a tough time with college. I don't think anyone should ever have to go through what I did. I remember sitting in class half listening to the professor lecturing and thinking of ways to end my life. I came close to driving off a bridge one day but didn't want to cause my family any pain. I was scared to tell anyone about how I felt but that day I nearly killed myself scared me so bad I hadto let someone know what was going on. I finally just told them everything I had been feeling for the past two years. My whole family has been much more supportive than I expected them to. My mom is a nurse so she knew a thing or two about it. Things have gotten a lot better since January. I made some new friends, my mom is still working but we talk to each other every day, my dad and I have amuch better relationship than we once had, and college has been going great. I raised my GPA to a 3.5 and have joined several campus organization, includingthe UCA Humane Society. So if anyone here has ever had suicidal thoughts or think you may have depression please see a doctor or at least talk to a family member or anone you trust about it. Nobody should have to live with depression.

[dnyed]

I'm not "depressed", per se, I get the winter blues. Seasonal Affective Disorder, or S.A.D.

I truly mourn the end of summer, when the days become shorter, and the skies turn gray. I hate winter.

I work swing, for a reason. I don't go to work until 1 in the afternoon. This way, I have several hours of natural sunlight (or at least natural "daylight"). I work in a sub-basement, and if I went to work in the dark, and emerged to go home in the dark, I'd probably kill myself and take a few people with me! I feel like a zombie, just existing.

In the spring, when the sun comes out more, the birds sing in the morning, and the tulips pop out, it feels like an awakening from a cave. Every spring I tell myself, "Well, you survived another one".

I will try to get through this winter without meds, as I did the last two. But, if it gets bad, I will see my doctor.

[Toad]

Uhmm, I have the winter blues. I'm always up and active and stuff thru-out the spring/summer/fall months, but as soon as like november hits, i'm down till march. It's been that way for the past few years. I stull dunno why, but it is a depression.

It's already started to kick in this year, and I'm really not looking forward to it again but I've gonna try my best to make it though with less turbulance than the past few years.

I always seem to befriend somebody, and now i'm down to one last good local friend. I dunno what i'd do if i lost that, my weekends would be soo boring.
Also, my car hasnt made it through an entire winter yet without breaking (and it's my fault for both winters, and both times were 1+ month downtimes). So yeah, i've been REALLY down the past 2 winters.

I feel like I have what it takes to make it though this year (minus getting my timing belt done yet), car wise, and emotionally wise, i've got great people to talk to online before and after work. I've got my job, i actually look forward to going to work every day. And I've got he general narrowmind-set that will help me block out the things i dont wanna know about (i NEVER watch the news).

Well, yup, I'm a wreck when it snows.

I'll hopefully find the answer to everything I need to know and desire. And I think that key lies in a certain someone i have yet to find.

Well, that's life. I'm livin each day without a worry, and i wake up without any regrets. I tend to do what I want to do, instead of asking what if?

Well, I'm done complaining about my life for today.

[mentalVdub]

two years ago i did some major modifications to my car. the significant other at the time (you can all take a wild guess at this one) put me down for it. when i got my body kit put on my bug, that said person wouldn't even drive by me, look at my car, or even mention my new mods. it bothered that person THAT much.

i thought those were suppose to be happy times when you mod the piss out of your car...

i became very emotionally upset and cried on a daily basis for a few weeks before my mom told me to get counceling. eight months of shrink therapy later i was told i was suffering from depression, and through all the counceling i knew who caused it.

let's just say i'm darn glad i got shot of that person.

it's great too cause all of the stuff i learned through counceling i apply and use towards crap that occurs in everyday life. good stuff i tell ya. i'm way too happy now... a good thing in my book.

[Pulgamovil]

I also suffer from Seasonal afective Disorder (SAD), luckily in Mexico we have a very sunny Winter, but when I have been to europe (Germany and Denmark 4 example) I really think "how this guys endure 5 days of cloudy/rainy days?"

2 weeks ago we had a full week here of rain and more rain, I got very cranky, I knew I really needed a sunny Day ASAP, its incredible how mother nature affects our mood, and I love snow (maybe because I justt see it from afar or when traveling), but I never have to suffer from it or endure 2 months of greay skies and snow.

IMHO the best way to get depressed is watching the news, AVOID THEM like the plage.

[AmyJane]

Originally Posted by Toad

I'll hopefully find the answer to everything I need to know and desire. And I think that key lies in a certain someone i have yet to find.

I'm not a Dr. or anything but I did used to think the same way you're thinking right now. While being single sucks being attached is not the answer to all your problems. Sometimes it just adds to them. You have to be happy with yourself and love yourself before you can love and be loved by anyone else.
Someone once said to me "Noone can make you happy but you. Having someone can only enhance the happiness you have found because of you. Don't ever rely or wait for someone to make you happy or you will be waiting for a long time!" That stuck with me and it's so true! Keep your chin up young person! {{{hugs}}}

[Fowvay]

I too have noticed an unusually high representation of people on the org suffering from some form of mental illness. My theory is that.

The New Beetle is quite possibly the happiest car on Earth. It not only is a cheerfull looking vehicle but also captures fond memories of our youth, not only those of old beetles but those cute lil cartoon cars and characters as well. The car is also a real attention getter so it fits perfectly in with those people looking for approval from the outside world or at least those that want to have people notice them.

People suffering from Mental disorders tend to be a bit reclusive and as such would be more drawn to hide behind a computer screen for hours looking for a place that will complete them or at least bring some happiness to thier lives. This happiness could be a place to vent, share, tell lies, tell truths, to just stare at pics... etc.

Combine the above factors and suddenly you are going to see a large number of these people heading to the same place ( The Org).

Yes I too suffer my demons and find great solice in this exciting and loving community. Thankyou all for everything you have done for me.

Tom aka Fowvay

[pdoel]

Well, here's my history.

In high school, I was depressed quite a bit. Never really put much thought into it. Kinda figured it was cause I was chubby, wasn't happy with myself, etc.

By college, I had lost weight, was in a fraternity, very well adjusted, but still was depressed quite often. To fill up a bunch of electives, I took quite a few psychology classes. In my theories on psychology class, one theory we discussed was that when you are unhappy or depressed, look at what you are unhappy about, and see what you are doing to cause that. I figured, heck, let's give this a try.

At that time, I just always felt lonely, often felt like I wasn't included in things. Stuff like that. So, I looked at how I was acting. I would often study in my room, by myself. Often with the door locked so I wouldn't be bothered. I didn't drink much, so I didn't go out much when invited. Um. Duh! No wonder I was lonely. I started forcing myself to go study in the library. Try to be around other people. It was amazing the difference it made. Before I knew it, I was always around people, was included in all kinds of things, and was definitely much happier.

Since then, I haven't had much trouble. Every so often, I'll get a day when I'm just in a funk, and I have no idea why. I think a lot of that is just chemical.

My sisters both suffer from depression. One even has major anxiety attacks. Both are on Prozac. When my grandmother ended up in a home, they told us she was very depressed, and from talking to her, they gathered she'd been like this her whole life, and just kept it hidden. About a year or two ago, my mother told her doctor she thought she was depressed. The doctor said she (the doctor) had known it for years, but wouldn't prescribe anything for my mom until my mom came to terms with it. We found our recently that several cousins are also battling depression and either handling it on their own, or are on medication.

Many people just can't seem to understand why people get depressed, and think it's ridiculous that people are medicated for it. But for those who suffer, it's a very real thing. The fact that so many of my relatives suffer from it shows to me that it's a chemical type of thing.

[kcfoxie]

I've been to mental ER in my past. I've not had the easiest of lives, but who has?

I'm going to spare my sob story and come out to say that I know that I deal with depression, and depending on which doctor to listen to.. I have one of four other ailments going on upstairs. I refused the medications after a 40 pound in 2 month weight gain, that (thanks to work and depression and fatigue) I can't seem to remove. I put in my 40 hours, I come home to someone I love (that in itself can be depressing at times -- ladies and gents I know you know what I mean!), and I try to be a Good American Boy.

It's hard, I do find that my car makes me smile. I wanted one for the antidisestablishmentarianism aspect, as well as the fact that I wholely believe these cars will outlive any other made in the same year -- blindly. I've had a shrink tell me that my love of the car is linked to depression, and if that is the case then so be it. Someone out there has to take it to the next level and become slightly to constantly obsessed with it, otherwise it's just another car. I hate that mine can be lost in a crowd, that's why he has stripes and other personality-giving add-ons. This lil car has been the perfect vehicle for me, and has yet to fail me in a task. But that's rather off topic.

I don't know how I deal with my demons, I cry myself to sleep some nights, I can't sleep others... 4 hours is "good sleep" in my book. I manage, all my energy is sucked into my wonderful customer service-style job, not that I complain... for I LOVE my work, but I do find that I take web forums way too serious sometimes. I also fly off the handle for no reason.

I attribute this to being 22 more than having a chemical imbalanace, and I also think that a large number of physicians of the mind are out to make a buck from the Rx companies. I have based this somewhat off my dealings with Masters of Psychology that I work with, and their opinion of modern Shrink-age.

So.. no, those who feel down and out and constantly blue... are not alone. You've got others around in the same boat, but that is not a comfort when your rent is due and you can't remember if you paid the light bill, the cat is sick, you and your bf/gf/wife/husband/partner/friend had a bad spat, and your boss left a cryptic message on your voicemail and you think you're gonna be fired. That's when the one thing you can't really do on the ORG is needed:

[deeceedub]

Count me in, too. Won't go into all the details, just experiences like you've all stated. Meds really don't help much and I was always so worried about the cost that it seemed counterproductive.

My seasonal connection is different from most of yours...heat seems to send me off the deep end, and here in Texas we have more than our share of it. I live for the first cool days of fall and I guess I'm the only one always praying for a long, cold winter. I think my brain is hotter than a normal person's, lol. My doctor has actually backed me up on that one

Depression to me feels like drowning... you're too frantic and exhausted from trying to keep your head above water to scream and wave for help.

Nice to know I'm in good company, anyway!

[AmyJane]

I am seeing a counselor here at work and today is my last session with her. It sucks because I'm really comfortable with her but she says what she does isnt a subsitute for real counseling. She's not a doctor, just a social worker I guess. Well anyway, for our last session she wanted to make it a good one so she asked me to ask 5 people I know to write 5 things that they like about me. Every single one of them basically wrote the same stuff in their own words and each one of them also wrote at the bottom that they could have easily listed 15 more things that they liked about me! That felt so awesome! I just thought I'd share. I had no idea I was so loved! *tear* lol

[Fowvay]

Originally Posted by CyberGreenBaby

I am seeing a counselor here at work and today is my last session with her. It sucks because I'm really comfortable with her but she says what she does isnt a subsitute for real counseling. She's not a doctor, just a social worker I guess. Well anyway, for our last session she wanted to make it a good one so she asked me to ask 5 people I know to write 5 things that they like about me. Every single one of them basically wrote the same stuff in their own words and each one of them also wrote at the bottom that they could have easily listed 15 more things that they liked about me! That felt so awesome! I just thought I'd share. I had no idea I was so loved! *tear* lol

I know I could come up with at least 20 things I like about you..

[AmyJane]

Originally Posted by Fowvay

I know I could come up with at least 20 things I like about you..

AWWW!! Thanks Tom!!

[angelworks]

Here's something I wrote during a relapse into a major depression a couple years ago.

Realization sometimes comes with all the subtleness of a nuclear explosion.

A battle fought and won 4 years ago. The defeated troops did not retreat but regrouped, waiting.

They knew what she did not. That there would come a time when all things would be aligned, vulnerability offered and accepted.

Warrior Princess one day, twitching bundle of raw, exposed nerves the next. In control no longer. Even the simplest decisions are no longer an option, they are now insurmountable mountains and her arms and legs are paralyzed.

And so they feed. Little by little, she is lost from the inside out. She screams in a vacuous hole where no one can hear.

But her.

The dark abyss that she had crawled out of has become her comfort zone once more. The light burns and she is not worthy.

Wasn't it only yesterday that she was still so far up, that the abyss could not be seen?

She seems to remember being pushed slowly to the edge, but never did she think that she could be pushed back in.

She was right of course. They only got her to the edge. She jumped. If only to escape the constant fear of, what if.

And now she knows.

Creature of the shadows once more. Outstretched hands and hearts of empathy are perceived as suspect.

There is no room for concern here. Only remorse, regret, a regurgitation of a cycle of pain.

And. I. Am. Worthy.