My Personality Was Attacked Via Email - Need to Vent

[JenBug]

My new husband has a core group of friends that he spends time with. I tend to tag along and hang out with the wives/girlfriends of this group. I never really liked them that much but they seemed nice enough. They are all about 3 years older than me so I never really felt like we had much in common, as we were in different stages of our lives sort of.

Regardless, the guys are heading to a baseball game in Detroit tomorrow and originally, I was going to tag along with the girls while they went to a spa weekend. I found out that we were carpooling and taking a car that, in my opinion, was a bit too small and unsafe for 4 girls taking a 3.5 hour trip. I inquired as to why we couldn't take a car with a bit more room and a bit less mileage (the original car we were going to take was a 1994 with 215k miles, and very small), plus I get carsick so I thought a different, larger, vehicle would make the most sense.

The response I got was that the person whose car we were taking was always "nice enough" to drive and that if I didn't like it, I could drive myself.

Well I thought that was kind of rude and a bit uncalled for, so I decided that I really didn't need the drama and I debated not going. Then, I found out my best friend was having minor surgery the same weekend we were going to go, and thought it would be best for me to stay and hang with her. So I told the host that I wouldn't be able to make it and to have fun without me.

This morning I came to work and in my email inbox was an email, berating me for being disrespectful, rude, self-centered, and materialistic. The same girl that sent me the rude email the week before accused me of using my best friend's illness to get out of going on a trip, and that I was a terrible person because I thought I was "too good" to be seen in an older vehicle. She told me that she would be civil to me in the future but only because she "had to" because of my husband.

It kind of came out of the blue because I had zero issues with her or this group of girls before. If I look at this email, it makes me completely nauseous to look at. I had to delete it just so I wouldn't keep beating myself up over it.

My poor husband is going to get caught in the middle of all of this. Plus this basically means that I won't be included in any get-togethers with his group of friends, and even if I was, the girls would be so completely fake towards me that I wouldn't be able to stand it.

I've never been attacked like this before, and never over something so trite. Why do girls insist on staying in high school forever? I hate drama!

[Lnzbug]

I would send her a note back saying if she thinks a spa weekend is more important than a friends surgery then so be it. You can explain to her about the breakdown factor in a high milage car and leave it at that. If she wants to be this way let her. Just so your hubby knows what's going on I would have shown it to him. I got a letter two days after my mom died from my then sister in law explaining to me why I'm such a biotch. And I was being NICE to this golddigger for years! I didn't reply, in fact I never talked to her again. I wanted to give her a piece of my mind but I was NOT going to sink to her level. Same for you. Tell her that she took it the wrong way and leave it at that.

[Jharmari]

Man that blows.

It's really sad that people insist on being so rude and so eager to instigate confrontations.

Or maybe it was just a misunderstanding.

If you feel up to it, maybe you should reply and reexplain the situation of your best friend, and also that you didn't mean any harm about the car suggestion. You'll feel so much better if you guys are able to make amends.

Either she's just an irrational BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP, or she was simply lashing out because she felt hurt somehow, however unintentionally. You guys cant read each other minds, so the best thing to do is reply and straighten things out.

Forgiving will make you feel so much better, hope you can work it out.

[sourmash]

I think you'll come to find that there is point in every marriage where you have to tell you spouse to find new friends....and this is it. It's time to find mutual friends that you both get along with and maybe he can do things with the guys without you. You should have saved the e-mail and showed it to your husband to keep him informed.

There is no reason for the B to come at you like that and obviously shows no compasion or interest in getting to know you as a real person.

[angieisgroovy]

Kill em with kindness then their true colors will show. Good luck.

[JenBug]

I sent her back a response email saying basically that I'm sorry that she spun the situation that way, but I definitely didn't think this was that big of deal and that it got blown out of proportion. I told her that to save everyone from awkwardness I would just send my husband solo to all events from now on and to please not treat him badly because of her harsh feelings towards me.

I don't care so much that we're not going to be friends, I care because I don't want my husband in a bad spot. Thanks for your input...it just kills me that people can still be so immature. Aren't we all supposed to be adults?

[QQQ]

Don't email back. If it's worth it to you or your husband. Call her up.

[FineExampl]

I have to agree with Q. You and your husband are the primary team here. Friends can always be replaced, but are they really your friend if this is how they treat your spouse??

[iScott]

What a bitch. She sounds like the kind who loves starting trouble so she can get attention.

[gilligan]

Email her back and tell her to go p!ss up a rope!!!!

[larryziegler]

This is from a male perspective, as I know well, by experience, that a female perspective can be completely different. The end result of what you went thru is that you are dealing with people who really weren't your friends anyway, and that you are better off for it. From the start of the perspective, if I felt that I was going to be riding in somebody's unsafe/unreliable car, I'd have (and have made) the comment of my willingness to take my car and drive, knowing my car was in better shape. If that wasn't possible, sometimes sucking it up is the better idea, especially if you don't know the other people well, especially if you are the "guest" to these other ladies circle. Sometimes its not what you say, its how you come across saying it. You apparently rattled some sensitivities with your statement, and got a scathing reply. Other than occasional get-togethers, its time for you and your hubby to find more compatible couples to hang out with, as its very obvious you won't ever be close to these people, and understandably so. Be thankful it happened now rather than later.

[pixelnexus]

Originally Posted by JenBug

This morning I came to work and in my email inbox was an email, berating me for being disrespectful, rude, self-centered, and materialistic.

Like a weekend at the spa isn't self-centered and materialistic?

You did the right thing and hopefully everyone can cool down. I would try to work things out. You might start to feel left out if your husband goes out with the group quite a bit.

I wouldn't waste time explaining your reasoning on the car etc. They will never get it so debating with them is pointless and probably make things worse. Maybe suggest another get together to make it up to them? It's up to you.

Good luck

[QQQ]

Here's my thought on the condition of the car. That person uses it and is likely their daily driver. If it's an older vehicle, they may not have a lot money or is conscious of their finances. So if they feel comfortable with its safety and adequateness, you'll have to respect that. That doesn't mean you have to ride with them.

Before throwing away a possible friendship if not cordial, its probably a good idea just to talk to her and not through email. And I think the more you can deal with this without getting your hubby into it, the better off you'll be. If nothing comes out of the talk then so be it. Move on. If you tried in earnest then you and your hubby will understand you gave it your best shot. Again, not through email. You'll have a hard time finding even ground through email.

Anyway, take my thought with a grain of salt. I wish my personal life was as good as I think it should be.

[PhoenixRising]

I say, let 'em crash!

Which is not really appropriate to the discussion here, but it will lighten things up.

The internets is a weird place, where the 90 pound weakling can be a 200 pound strongman...I mean, ask John.

[larryziegler]

Originally Posted by PhoenixRising

I say, let 'em crash!

Which is not really appropriate to the discussion here, but it will lighten things up.

The internets is a weird place, where the 90 pound weakling can be a 200 pound strongman...I mean, ask John.

You mean this John?

[FineExampl]

Originally Posted by larryziegler

You mean this John?

I think he means me. I'll have you both know that i meet or exceed 200lbs.

[KatWoman]

This is why I have very few female friends in my life. And none of those few friends know each other or have anything to do with each other. So if I have a girl's day out, I have to pick one to go out with.

[JenBug]

Originally Posted by QQQ

Here's my thought on the condition of the car. That person uses it and is likely their daily driver. If it's an older vehicle, they may not have a lot money or is conscious of their finances. So if they feel comfortable with its safety and adequateness, you'll have to respect that. That doesn't mean you have to ride with them.

Before throwing away a possible friendship if not cordial, its probably a good idea just to talk to her and not through email. And I think the more you can deal with this without getting your hubby into it, the better off you'll be. If nothing comes out of the talk then so be it. Move on. If you tried in earnest then you and your hubby will understand you gave it your best shot. Again, not through email. You'll have a hard time finding even ground through email.

Anyway, take my thought with a grain of salt. I wish my personal life was as good as I think it should be.

I like getting others opinions on the situation, someone who isn't me and is standing outside the arena, so to speak.

The funny thing is, this girl is not the girl who owns the vehicle in question. This girl has a brand new sedan and a fairly new SUV with her husband. No one wants to ride in my car because "it's too small". I did offer!

I was not sticking my nose up at the car itself, I just wanted to see if we could take someone else's car, just for the safety factor.

Regardless, this girl is not someone who is the most reasonable when she thinks she is right, and I was never close with her, so I'm going to just let things be. I sent her an olive branch email to her home email, since I am at work and so is she. I am not the one who started this mess, so if she wants to apologize for being rude, then she can.

My hubby rarely hangs with this group anymore as we live so far away from them now (90 miles). We spend a fair amount of time with our own friends separate from each other so it's not that big of a deal. We know how to balance our lives since we've been together for quite a while, and I have a few friends he doesn't really care to be around either.

Which brings me to another point - is it strange that we seem to have very different taste in friends?