What's the difference between "being in love" and "loving" someone?

[HerBee]

I need help here. I thought I knew the difference but know I'm beginning to question myself. The reason I'm thinking about this is that my husband and I are in counselling now and he had said that he's not "in love" with me anymore, but still loves me. I understand that...but now I'm confused that I don't really know the difference.

[Deserion]

Maybe it's how one can "love" their family (parents, siblings, etc) but "be in love with" their mate?

I'm not really the one to ask, to be honest...

-Des

[yellowherbie]

Not that Im Oprah or anything but....

Being in love with someone means, that you totally rock their world..

Loving some one means, that you just love the person. thats it.

Probley doesnt help, but a long weekend gtg, would help! Hang in there.

[angelworks]

Wow, this is a huge question which may require a lot of diff answers depending on where people are in age/life and experience.

Here's MY take--based on my life/age/experiences;

I love many people with verve even, but I am in love with The Hubster and The Boy Wonder. I have even been in love with friends.

Let's seperate in love from sex right off-- otherwise you will all think me freaky for being in love with my son and friends.

I think there's a diff level of passion for me connected to a person that does it for me. Along with that passion, comes a commitment that takes center stage above all else on a moments notice without a second thought. There's no feeling of an obligation of commitment -- just the commitment.

For instance, I have a dog and three cats. I love all of them but I am def in love with Ozzy my youngest kitty. I call him my soulmate with fur. I can't explain why it;s dif with him, it just is. He got out and was lost for several hours this winter and I wept like a baby. I couldn't picture my world without him in it.

Somewhere along the line we have lost focus on real love and all that it means -- honor, commitment, loyalty and the total connection to another being on a whole, not just sexual level.

We focus on the Hollywood version of sexual love and that just doesn't carry us through.

The hollywood version is a prettier, easier sell that doesn't have a very long shelf life.

The real version takes a lot longer to find and requires work and nurturing and most folks would rather hit the drive through rather than make reservations, get dressed and have a sit down full on experience.

[FineExampl]

I love my buddy Greg. I love my Amyjane. I love everyone involved in this forum. I love my family. I love guacamole. I'm not IN love with any of them.

It's hard to put it into words, examples always seem to work.

Now, knowing the difference is the fine line. You may know you love someone, but it takes a long time to know if you are "in love". I thought i was several times, but than you come into the whole situation of infatuation. How do you tell the difference? I have no damn clue.

i dunno. just a little stream of thought.

[AmyJane]

Im sorry you're going through this. You're in my thoughts and I hope things work out the way you want them to.

I wish I could give some good sound advice but I am the last person who should be giving advice about relationships. I have abandonment issues so I either cling too tight to people to try and keep them from leaving or I push them away before they hurt me. One thing I do know is whoever I have ever been with I have always been upfront about my feelings...maybe a little too much so but noone has ever had to wonder where they stood with me and although it may seem really crappy that your husband has said this to you, at least he is being honest. It wouldnt be fair to either one of you if he kept his feelings in and pretended that everything was ok. So I know you're probably hurting very much right now, one day you will see that this was probably for the best and the fact that you are going to counseling is good. It is possible to fall in love with someone again after falling out of love with them. People get bored and a little comfortable and sometimes tend to mistake boredom for not being in love anymore. I know I didnt answer your question...sorry. Thats because I think Dawn (angelworks) said it best and I dont feel I need to expand on what she said...I just want you to know that you can always come here and we'll all be right here for you if you need us! *BIG HUGS*

[CaptainXeroid]

Consider these words that many people have recited at their wedding.

Originally Posted by 1 Corinthians 13

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

The confusion many people have is that they feel "butterflies in their stomach" or a "burning in their loins" and invoke the word 'love'. The words they should be using are infatuation and lust respectively.

Truly loving someone means that you are focused on the other person's well-being.

[AmyJane]

Originally Posted by CaptainXeroid

Consider these words that many people have recited at their wedding.
The confusion many people have is that they feel "butterflies in their stomach" or a "burning in their loins" and invoke the word 'love'. The words they should be using are infatuation and lust respectively.

Truly loving someone means that you are focused on the other person's well-being.

Amen!

I myself have confused love and lust once or twice before

[HerBee]

Thanks everyone! I am hanging in there. I guess the really tough part for me is that there's children involved.

This is what I wanted, your opinion of what the difference is. I know there is no clear cut answer, I was just wondering what everyone's take is on the difference. I think I know what loving someone is. I have friends that I do love, like FineExampl, so I think I understand that. It's the "being in love" part that I'm sort of confused with.

Thanks again, everybody!

[jpdeuce]

I definitely have an opinion about this but it's probably not popular. You won't find it in your romance novels or your romantic comedies.

In my opinion, True Love is 'work'. It's an act it's not a feeling. You don't fall out of love with someone...you stop caring enough about them to think about them and do things for them. You don't fall out of love with someone you focus on yourself too much and your needs. I've only been married 4 years, but I can tell you that would not work in my marriage. The only reason my wife and I have the relationship we do...the only reason we are still "in love" is because we CHOOSE to "love" each other each day. Whether that is her making my breakfast and lunch before I leave for work or me cleaning up the dishes after she makes dinner or me getting her dessert while we watch a show after dinner or whatever. It looks different to everyone. But how can you expect to be "in love" with someone/thing unless you are actively "loving" them?

So my opinion is that love is work.

It's been said already, but the infatuation and lust (don't think of that in a completely negative way) is just that...but it feels so good. It confuses people. And when that starts to fade then it must be because you are falling out of love right? No...it means you never did anything to cultivate that sticking around. Now I'm saying this completely out of context of this current situation and I don't mean this to be putting down what is going on with you. I just mean all of this in a general sense.

I just find that people throw the L word around very casually but then they don't want to do what it takes to work at keeping it in their relationship. Maybe that has something to do with why 50% of people fail in their first marriage. That and my wife and I made a committment out loud to each other that divorce was not an option. Having that kind of permanence established from the beginning makes a huge difference. We took our vows before God very seriously and we show that by the choices we make each day to each other. Marriage and true love shouldn't be entered into lightly (not saying you did) and it often times take a lot of work.

You might try reading this book and sharing it with your husband...it's called the Five Love Languages. You probably have heard of it. But it has helped us SOOO much. We read it the first year we got married. Read the chapters separately and then talked about them together. Man it just helps so much to have a common language to speak from and it's a fact that people "love" differently and people want to "be loved" differenyl from each other. You never know...you could just not be speaking your husbands language...and vice versa.

Good luck, I'll keep you guys in our prayers.

[larryziegler]

JP, I can't fault your reasoning whatsoever. Most of what you say is very much a fact....you just delivered the message in a little more unique way. Your reasoning works for you, and by golly, thats all that matters. Many have written what I would have said, including you, so I'll leave it at that.

[HerBee]

THANK YOU, jpdeuce!!!!!!!!!!

You said what I had said to our counsellor, that we need to "work" on our relationship. But what you said, "You don't fall out of love with someone...you stop caring enough about them to think about them and do things for them" really hit home for me. It made me realize that yeah, he has stopped caring ENOUGH about me to think about me and do things for me. He kept saying that these things don't come naturally to him, like they do to me.

Thank you again, jpdeuce, for your opinion!

And thanks, CGB, for your hugs!

[yellowherbie]

Well we know now who is the Org love shrink.-- jpdeuce--

Great info.. Hope it all works out for Her...

[05NavaBug]

HerBee THANK YOU, jpdeuce!!!!!!!!!!

You said what I had said to our counsellor, that we need to "work" on our relationship. But what you said, "You don't fall out of love with someone...you stop caring enough about them to think about them and do things for them" really hit home for me. It made me realize that yeah, he has stopped caring ENOUGH about me to think about me and do things for me. He kept saying that these things don't come naturally to him, like they do to me.

Thank you again, jpdeuce, for your opinion!

And thanks, CGB, for your hugs!

This really hits home for me!
I am currently married also and hes in the Navy.
Weve had some hard times latley and hes in a
whole other state so makes things alot harder.
But he also has said he feels like were growing
apart and he doesnt feel like hes in love
with me the same way as I am.
Unfortatly we are not really able to get concelling
anytime soon since he is on his way to Iraq.
All I can say is if you think it will work
out you gotta work at your marriage.
Communicate alot!! Thats one thing I had
to learn the hard way myself!
Take care and good luck!!

[jpdeuce]

Originally Posted by yellowherbie

Well we know now who is the Org love shrink.-- jpdeuce--

Great info.. Hope it all works out for Her...

Well I should probably qualify my statements with I've been married for only 4 years and I'm not even 30 years old. I just know what has worked for me and my wife and I think we have a great marriage as compared to my parents and how they communicate and other people I run into. I feel like we have established some good patterns for down the road and we have had our share of struggles as well. I mean I got laid off on our honeymoon and her mom has lived with us for most of our marriage.

Either way, I think why I liked the 5 Love Languages so much is because it gave us a common language to speak. Sometimes the hardest part is just saying your feelings in a way that it makes sense to the other person. It also helped me know how to show my wife I loved in her in HER way.

I'm a "service" guy. Her making my sandwich in the morning and doing laundry help me to know she loves me. But me washing the dishes after we eat, or taking care of the yard, or vacuuming on cleaning day or cleaning toilets...those are "nice" but that's not how she feels loved. Before though I would be thinking "what in the heck do I have to do, I have done this and this and this, etc..." and then give up since I would think I have done everything I could. But she's all about "words of affirmation". Little notes here and there, saying nice things about her in front of people, etc... Those don't come natural to me though...but at least I know what I need to do or work on to make sure she "feels loved". Whether she "is loved" doesn't really matter if she doesn't "feel it".

So it just doesn't surprise me that a couple could have been "in love" at some point and at 20 years of marriage they are wondering when they fell out of love. They could easily have just been speaking different love languages forever. I'm sure some couples speak the same love language and it's easy...and then others have to really try hard and work on loving the other person the way they want to be loved.

Anyway...these are just my 2 cents. I'm not a counselor or a psycologist or anything like that. These are just my observations from friends and my own marriage. If it helps somebody then great...I'm glad I have been used in that way.

Good luck. Life is hard enough as it is...I'm sure it's even tougher not having a partner on the same page.

[HerBee]

Originally Posted by jpdeuce

Well I should probably qualify my statements with I've been married for only 4 years and I'm not even 30 years old. I just know what has worked for me and my wife and I think we have a great marriage as compared to my parents and how they communicate and other people I run into. I feel like we have established some good patterns for down the road and we have had our share of struggles as well. I mean I got laid off on our honeymoon and her mom has lived with us for most of our marriage.

Either way, I think why I liked the 5 Love Languages so much is because it gave us a common language to speak. Sometimes the hardest part is just saying your feelings in a way that it makes sense to the other person. It also helped me know how to show my wife I loved in her in HER way.

I'm a "service" guy. Her making my sandwich in the morning and doing laundry help me to know she loves me. But me washing the dishes after we eat, or taking care of the yard, or vacuuming on cleaning day or cleaning toilets...those are "nice" but that's not how she feels loved. Before though I would be thinking "what in the heck do I have to do, I have done this and this and this, etc..." and then give up since I would think I have done everything I could. But she's all about "words of affirmation". Little notes here and there, saying nice things about her in front of people, etc... Those don't come natural to me though...but at least I know what I need to do or work on to make sure she "feels loved". Whether she "is loved" doesn't really matter if she doesn't "feel it".

So it just doesn't surprise me that a couple could have been "in love" at some point and at 20 years of marriage they are wondering when they fell out of love. They could easily have just been speaking different love languages forever. I'm sure some couples speak the same love language and it's easy...and then others have to really try hard and work on loving the other person the way they want to be loved.

Anyway...these are just my 2 cents. I'm not a counselor or a psycologist or anything like that. These are just my observations from friends and my own marriage. If it helps somebody then great...I'm glad I have been used in that way.

Good luck. Life is hard enough as it is...I'm sure it's even tougher not having a partner on the same page.

You're too sweet! Thanks, it does help me a little.

[AmyJane]

Originally Posted by jpdeuce

Whether she "is loved" doesn't really matter if she doesn't "feel it".

WOW!! What an amazing statement. This is what all men and women should learn if they dont know it already!!
So simple yet so profound!

[PhoenixRising]

Love is a four letter word.

To some, it's a dirty four letter word. To some others, it's the word they don't want to hear, and they run away from it, sabotaging their relationships along the way.

You can love some one, some thing, some pet, but truly, love is another four letter word. And it's been said here on this thread.

LOVE is WORK.

WORK is LOVE.


I have been married for 13 years this July 24th. And to be honest, it was not all roses and wine, everything is fine.

I almost screwed it up early on, but my wife loved me enough to work on it.

She could have left me, and many women would have, but to her, love is for life. You don't throw away the love because it got hurt once.

Love is stronger then that. Love can lift you up when nothing else will. Love can heal. Love can hurt. Love can be the look on her eyes when she knows, that you love her enough to just be there when she needs it.

Too many people just give up on love. Give up when the tough times are there. But that is when love is the strongest, if you let love work.

There is that word again. Work. Love goes with work. My wife almost every day, leaves me a drawing, a little cartoon, that says, 'You are loved' on it, somewhere. She does not have to do this, but she does.

When I say good night to her, I make sure she is tucked in. With the TV on. This, while not for everyone, lets her know that I love her.

It's the odd things, the little things, the rubbing of the back, when you are tired, that makes up part of the quilt that is love.

Love is something that can't be bought, sold, or, traded. You get love, and if you are lucky, you work at love hard enough, that you keep love. And the funny thing, as you work harder at love, the easier it gets. You find, that when you blow up over the stupid things, you apologize faster. You forget why you were mad in the first place. Things just have a way of working out.

Love may never mean having to say you are sorry, but it does not mean you shouldn't ever show regret.

You can call me old fashioned, and laugh, but I believe that when you get married, it's for life. You should know that going in. And if you know that going in, and treat it as a commitment that will last a lifetime, you will work on it.

Work. That word is always finding it's way back to love.

I may be rambling a bit here, but it's just that the internets is not the easiest place to convey what one is thinking.

But I will close this, with the timeless words of Lennon/McCartney:

"Love Is All You Need."

[Alan From NYC]

"Being in love" is a state of mind.

"Loving" someone is a display of affection based on thoughtfulness and caring.

[weldtech]

Originally Posted by PhoenixRising

Love is a four letter word.

To some, it's a dirty four letter word. To some others, it's the word they don't want to hear, and they run away from it, sabotaging their relationships along the way.

You can love some one, some thing, some pet, but truly, love is another four letter word. And it's been said here on this thread.

LOVE is WORK.

WORK is LOVE.


I have been married for 13 years this July 24th. And to be honest, it was not all roses and wine, everything is fine.

I almost screwed it up early on, but my wife loved me enough to work on it.

She could have left me, and many women would have, but to her, love is for life. You don't throw away the love because it got hurt once.

Love is stronger then that. Love can lift you up when nothing else will. Love can heal. Love can hurt. Love can be the look on her eyes when she knows, that you love her enough to just be there when she needs it.

Too many people just give up on love. Give up when the tough times are there. But that is when love is the strongest, if you let love work.

There is that word again. Work. Love goes with work. My wife almost every day, leaves me a drawing, a little cartoon, that says, 'You are loved' on it, somewhere. She does not have to do this, but she does.

When I say good night to her, I make sure she is tucked in. With the TV on. This, while not for everyone, lets her know that I love her.

It's the odd things, the little things, the rubbing of the back, when you are tired, that makes up part of the quilt that is love.

Love is something that can't be bought, sold, or, traded. You get love, and if you are lucky, you work at love hard enough, that you keep love. And the funny thing, as you work harder at love, the easier it gets. You find, that when you blow up over the stupid things, you apologize faster. You forget why you were mad in the first place. Things just have a way of working out.

Love may never mean having to say you are sorry, but it does not mean you shouldn't ever show regret.

You can call me old fashioned, and laugh, but I believe that when you get married, it's for life. You should know that going in. And if you know that going in, and treat it as a commitment that will last a lifetime, you will work on it.

Work. That word is always finding it's way back to love.

I may be rambling a bit here, but it's just that the internets is not the easiest place to convey what one is thinking.

But I will close this, with the timeless words of Lennon/McCartney:

"Love Is All You Need."

Thanks. That was a nice post. Now I know somewhat what it's like without having to experience it.


And the real difference is... I have no idea. I admit it. I'm 110% clueless.