I feel like I lost a friend

[HerBee]

One of my best friends chose his romantic relationship over our friendship.

So here’s the story:

My friend is dating this woman, who can’t stand him having female friends. This issue came up early on in their relationship (I believe they’ve been dating for 2 years now). Well, he’s always just turned his phone to silent whenever he was with her to avoid calls and text messages, because apparently, she goes beserk thinking it might be one of his female friends (I’m one of a few female friends he keeps in touch with).

Anyway, it came down to this past weekend where she finally put her foot down and said absolutely no more contact with any female friends and he agreed. He even changed his phone number to assure her of this ... and without telling me, or any of his other female friends, I suppose. But then he tells me that he’ll give me his new number IF I promise not to call or text him unless he does so first. And that I can call him at certain times of the week, and we can sneak in a coffee Saturday mornings because she works then. So I told him no, I won’t do that. I’m not going to sneak around with him when we have nothing to hide. I’m not willing to be in a relationship/friendship where I’m limited or restricted to contact. I told him to go live his life with her and be happy, and that I’ll support any decision he makes for his own happiness.

So then he thanks me for my selfless love and understanding and for being a great friend. And that he’s not saying "good bye", just "so long", and until we meet again.

Apologies for the long story, but I needed to get this off my chest. I’m not angry at him, just disappointed, I guess. Am I wrong to feel sad and disappointed in him? Am I wrong to feel hurt that he chose her over me? I know I put it out there that I’d step back and I will honor my word, but it still hurts. I don’t even know if I’m making sense now. This is perfect timing I guess, as I’m going on vacation for a few days starting tomorrow, so that’ll take my mind off this.

Thanks for listening to me vent.

[LadybugEwa]

She's mental, and it won't last.
Soon enough you'll be 'there, there'-ing over that coffee as he tears out hunks of hair asking 'What was I thinking?!?!?!'

[ubugnme04]

I am so sorry this happened to you. I think you have every right to be disappointed in him, upset and in a way mourn the relationship, friendship has tight bonds and when you loose a friend, even if temporarily (because eventually he will get sick of being controlled) it is upsetting.

Keep your chin up, you did the right thing, sneaking around is wrong and would only make her more paranoid...she would figure it out, I am sure of it.

For you....

For him....

[Lnzbug]

I agree. It won't last. He'll figure out sex isn't everything and that friendship is worth more. Be patient with him, we all know guys don't think with their brains....

[pdoel]

I agree with those who say it won't last.

Trust has got to be one of the main foundation blocks of a relationship. She obviously does not trust him and hasn't since the beginning. You can't build a relationship with out trust.

So just hang tight and give it time. You'll have your friend back before you know it!

[Fowvay]

Originally Posted by Lnzbug

I agree. It won't last. He'll figure out sex isn't everything and that friendship is worth more. Be patient with him, we all know guys don't think with their brains....

It's not that we don't think with our brains but that we only have enough blood to think with one brain at a time.

[Lnzbug]

Originally Posted by Fowvay

It's not that we don't think with our brains but that we only have enough blood to think with one brain at a time.

LOL!!!How true how true

[BUGINME]

I feel sorry for him. What is the next thing she'll take away from him?? I think it will be very soon that you will have your friend back.

[pixelnexus]

My ex has a girlfriend that is the same way. She hates that we still remain important parts of each others lives even though we don't talk to one another on a constant basis and have both moved on.

She literally has a list of people that she would like to 'erase' from his life, and I'm at the top of the list.

I do agree that it won't last and your friend will realize what a dumb mistake he's making.

[DannyRandomState]

Sorry to hear about this. I know both sides of this story all to well. But as said earlier it won't last, and you two will be having those coffees again!

[Alan From NYC]

All I'm gonna say is- have a wonderful vacation.

[Deserion]

Been there, done that. Apparently the people they date are more important than friends who have been there for them through hell, but... *shrug*

But when said friend's date can get along with the long-term friends, then it's going in the right direction.

[mombug]

Jealousy is an ugly critter that quickly destroys all that it touches... you did the right thing, and he has to admire you more for it.
Enjoy your vacation!

[VW Lady Bug]

okay - so this truly sucks... and the same thing happened to my brother this past spring. except for the double-standard - she was constantly in touch with her ex, who is the father of another girl's infant, yet my brother couldn't go out to dinner with me without her getting pissed off.

in all honesty it won't last.

stick to your guns and don't bend - your friend will realize when he's lost you and his other friends that something is truly wrong... his romantic relationship may even go back and forth for a while - but ultimately he'll come around...

and worst case scenario - you can always object to their getting married at the wedding (j/k) -

Originally Posted by HerBee

One of my best friends chose his romantic relationship over our friendship.

So here’s the story:

My friend is dating this woman, who can’t stand him having female friends. This issue came up early on in their relationship (I believe they’ve been dating for 2 years now). Well, he’s always just turned his phone to silent whenever he was with her to avoid calls and text messages, because apparently, she goes beserk thinking it might be one of his female friends (I’m one of a few female friends he keeps in touch with).

Anyway, it came down to this past weekend where she finally put her foot down and said absolutely no more contact with any female friends and he agreed. He even changed his phone number to assure her of this ... and without telling me, or any of his other female friends, I suppose. But then he tells me that he’ll give me his new number IF I promise not to call or text him unless he does so first. And that I can call him at certain times of the week, and we can sneak in a coffee Saturday mornings because she works then. So I told him no, I won’t do that. I’m not going to sneak around with him when we have nothing to hide. I’m not willing to be in a relationship/friendship where I’m limited or restricted to contact. I told him to go live his life with her and be happy, and that I’ll support any decision he makes for his own happiness.

So then he thanks me for my selfless love and understanding and for being a great friend. And that he’s not saying "good bye", just "so long", and until we meet again.

Apologies for the long story, but I needed to get this off my chest. I’m not angry at him, just disappointed, I guess. Am I wrong to feel sad and disappointed in him? Am I wrong to feel hurt that he chose her over me? I know I put it out there that I’d step back and I will honor my word, but it still hurts. I don’t even know if I’m making sense now. This is perfect timing I guess, as I’m going on vacation for a few days starting tomorrow, so that’ll take my mind off this.

Thanks for listening to me vent.

[Wiebren]

Originally Posted by HerBee

...I told him to go live his life with her and be happy...

I do not think the happy-part will come!

Lucky you to have all friends here on the org!

[mybugrocks]

Im sorry you have been put through something like this...like everybody said before it wont last and i know that for a fact

one of my good friends was in this same situation but she was the one who couldnt have the guy friends and was being controlled...they dated for 2 years and she got sick of it and FINALLY broke up with him last year and went back to how she was before they started dating

have a good vacation and dont think about it

[callisto9]

No one tells me who I can and can't be friends with! This woman, the girlfriend, he'll soon tire of her and her demands. The only time I can see cutting someone out/off is if they are causing problems in the relationship.

I feel bad for the guy, honestly.

[digitalputty]

Im sorry that he chose the relationship over your friendship. He shouldn't do that to you.

I recently lost my best friend/fiance because I couldn't tell my family to back off. It is hard when you are in the other side - do I leave my family/friends behind so that I can continue to be happy with the person that I want to spend the rest of my life with or ... do, I ditch this person? It sucks

[HerBee]

Thanks, you guys! And yes, Alan & mybugrocks, I had a good vacation and didn't think about this at all. I guess the initial shock is starting to wear off.

digitalputty - That's exactly what he said "do I leave my family/friends behind so that I can continue to be happy with the person that I want to spend the rest of my life with or ... do, I ditch this person?"

I honestly don't think it will last either, as this is just one of the recurring issues they have. But then I think, on the other hand, if she likes to control him, and he likes to be controlled, maybe they are the perfect match and it'll work. I dunno. Weird reasoning on my part, I know.

I never thought to feel sorry for him. I guess I'm not in that phase yet.

Thanks again you guys for your thoughts and hugs. You are the greatest.